Let's talk about our daily life. Busy, preoccupied with problems (as it seems to us), we do not think about their origin, but we consider them obstacles to a peaceful life. And we have no time to carefully and slowly figure out what prevents us from living a peaceful life! Vicious circle. We need to stop, figure it out and get out of this circle, but there is no time! Yes, and we do not believe that we can do it ... And so we spin like a squirrel in a wheel, hopelessly, with anxiety and longing in our souls about the unrealizable.

But there is a way. Not only to break the vicious circle, but also to find your own way to a happy life, your own way.

You probably flew to the airport at least once or came by train and remember how, when you exit the airport-station, taxi drivers rush to you and offer to take you to the interruption, moreover, asking the same question: "Where are you going?" Do you think they are interested in where you need to go, home, visit, hotel? And if you have not yet decided on the place of stay, then at the station everyone will offer you their own option: a hotel, philosophy, religion. Life is so similar to the situation I described.

Barely born, we are wrapped in a system of verbal communications, in family clothes of social meanings. Who cares. Then, like taxi drivers, different value systems offer themselves: "The main thing is to be rich", "Become a boss - you will get everything", "Think of yourself", "Give yourself to God" etc. But where to go and what will be at the end of the path - a house, a hotel, another station, you still do not know. And so, sitting in a taxi suitable for you or your parents or guardians, you go and begin to understand that you are going the wrong way, you don’t want to go at all, but you want to stop and look around, at least. But the taxi driver says to you: “Look, what kind of traffic, you can’t stop, you have to go, there’s nowhere to get out, you stop, you will be left with nothing, the load that you have accumulated and are carrying will go further, loved ones will also leave, you will be left alone.” And you go on and think - but the truth, what is there!

But the truth is different!

It's never too late to stop. But, most likely, sadly. It is bitter to see with eyes from which the veil has been removed, the vanity and vanity of the world of consumers, careerists, "values" that have ceased to be clear to you. Against the background of a simple, human, they look miserable, unnatural.

But stopping is still half the battle, even less than half the battle. You can stay alone on the road, with evil in your soul, that no one met you with flowers and put you in another car, and, finally losing faith in yourself and your happiness, without waiting for solutions from anyone, flowers and a new taxi , try to get into any more or less suitable car. In this case, when you think that someone should lead you by the hand, tell you how to act and what to do, it’s better not to go out, but to roll where life rolls and be a toy of circumstances proudly telling everyone about karma, about saints or not so intercessors and mentors.

But if you had the courage to stop, look around and decide for yourself, then be patient a little more, look at life with joy. After all, it was you who got a lucky ticket consciously, and not in the form of mold, to be born in the world of planet Earth, remaining the highest being of the universe, a Human. Let this thought only sparkle in your mind, but even a small spark of universal knowledge can be the basis of a short, but whole human life.

The wisdom of Man consists of consciousness and love. Consciousness of God and his infinite unconditional love. Timelessly, which means at any time and place, wisdom manifests itself through a person, through you. Yes, it takes effort. "Don't let your soul be lazy". An effort not to get angry, an effort to develop consciousness, for only it cognizes the surrounding world. Nice, good job. And secrets will be revealed, so clear that you might think - why didn’t I understand this before! For example, the fact that a person creates his own world by his own existence. He wants this world to be evil and sad, he wants it to be kind and happy. And here it is not far from the goal. Agree, go somehow calmer when you know where. But the goal is the work and knowledge of everyone. No one but you yourself will know and determine your goal. This is what distinguishes Man from people riding on suitable taxis of others. He knows his own purpose in life. And what is most interesting, this goal is not that something is ahead, in the distant future, but always in the Man himself, and it is this goal that has become the essence of the Man that makes him happy. But not alone. Not seclusion and detachment from the world makes a person happy alone with his goal or something else. Achieving an understanding of the purpose of his existence, a Man finds himself among the like, he becomes big and free, able to contain and accept the whole world, including the one that seems to him now a toy, along with taxis, with those who ride and think, because he knows and sees something that others do not notice and do not even think about the existence of this.

This is happiness - to contain Peace, Love and Wisdom!

Mar 13 2017

IrinaIrina

Good afternoon! I really need your help to understand my situation. I myself was already tired of everything, I filled up all my friends with my problems. Although I understand that no one needs to listen to this, someone else's negative. But time passes, and nothing changes for me.
I am 36, have two children (boys, twins, 4 years old), married since 2007, before that they met for another 4 years. The children were gone for a long time. Relations with her husband were not very good before, when the children were born, everything became very bad. Where to start, I don't even know. Today we do not live with him, but are in constant skirmish. Not a day of rest. He openly says that he hates me.
When we met, we were very young, my husband seemed to me then so kind and affectionate, tried to please in everything, helped. We rarely quarreled, only once a year he consistently had seizures, he threw himself at me, beat me, crushed everything in the house. I left him every year. But a couple of days passed, he came, cried, begged to return, asked for forgiveness. And I felt sorry for him, myself. I don't know... I was coming back.
But one day I found out that he was cheating on me ... With prostitutes, and for many years. I left, and after a couple of weeks I found out that I was pregnant (before that, we had not had children for a long time). The ultrasound said it was twins. I got scared. I have no parents, my aunt raised me. There wasn't much money either. The husband asked for forgiveness. And only the fear of being left alone with two children made me come back. During pregnancy, everything was more or less normal. But I avoided intimacy with him under any pretext. I have not forgiven and I have not forgotten. But a year after giving birth, I found out that he was cheating on me again. And almost every day. Moreover, he did not have money for food and gifts for me and the children for the holidays, but for prostitutes, who were several times a month, they were. I had a terrible tantrum. This time he confessed everything, confirmed everything. We were in church, he vowed never to cheat on me again. But he did not keep his vows.
A year ago they told me. That they saw him with another. I found out everything, this is a woman from his work. She is 6 years older than him. He says he fell in love with her. I talked to her, she said that they didn’t have anything and she didn’t need him and that she wouldn’t interfere in someone else’s family and destroy it. But he didn't stop talking to her after I found out. He constantly texted her, called, complained about me, and still congratulates me on the holidays. When I find out about this, he first blames me for everything, and then apologizes and says that I am his beloved, but he does not need that woman and he is deceiving her.
I feel bad, I feel bad with him, I see no way out, I have no vitality. I am a masochist. All the swearing takes place in front of the children. They feel bad. I understand. That in many ways I myself provoke the situation with prostitutes, and with swearing and beatings, and with the fact that he fell in love. We both feel bad for each other. But we cannot part. It seems to me that some kind of mental illness is already developing in me ... I visited a psychologist three years ago. She said that we need to get a divorce and the sooner the better. Help. I'm afraid to be alone with children.

Mar 13 2017

Hello Irina. I am very sorry that you have to endure such pain and despair. What you call your mental illness is most likely a feeling of emotional dependence on your husband and on your relationship from which you cannot get out.
If you were raised by an aunt, I assume that you did not receive enough care, acceptance and approval, right? In turn, the husband's craving for sex on the side also speaks of unmet children's needs for attention and security. That is why you and him chose each other more unconsciously than on the basis of a sincere deep feeling, creating a co-dependent relationship.
Three years ago, after the recommendation of a psychologist, were you also afraid to get divorced because of the fear of not being able to cope with children alone? Are they going to kindergarten now? Are you working? Do you have relatives and friends who support you now and are ready to help if you need it?

Mar 13 2017

IrinaIrina

There really was no close relationship with my aunt. She had a lot of problems herself. She was left without a mother early, then at 22 she gave birth to a daughter out of wedlock. She herself is small and fragile, she made herself in life, she has a difficult character. I understood that it was a burden for her, and she often said that no one needed me besides her and no one else from my relatives wanted to raise me. I have always felt guilty about everything. Moreover, she also said that she could not arrange her personal life, because she raised me and her daughter. But I helped as best I could. Her daughter was a year old when her aunt went to work, I was 15. The child was left in my arms. Then I took her to the garden, picked her up, cleaned the house every day. Although I went to my current husband, she was only 35 and her daughter was already quite big. Now I understand that it's not just me.
The husband grew up in a dysfunctional family. His mother is a stupid woman who was cheated on by her husband. She poisoned him with disassembly. My husband is very similar to his mother both in appearance and behavior. Previously, I did not pay attention to it, did not attach importance. And it was necessary to immediately run away until this addiction to each other arose. The mother really did not give him tenderness, he was born late, she was 40, the second child, whom she did not want and often talks about it, including with him. And for his father, he is the firstborn. His parents finally separated when her husband was 15 years old. And all these years they fought. I don’t want that, my children feel bad, they worry a lot, they don’t love their father, although they miss him.
Now the children go to the garden. They get sick just like everyone else. I went to work, where I was not expected after the decree. Which is why I worry too. My income has halved. I take part-time jobs, I'm torn to pieces.
When the children were almost a year old (even before I found out, and my husband confirmed about prostitutes), they bought an apartment on a mortgage. The construction has stopped, the money is frozen. Since I was on maternity leave, the apartment was designed for two with my husband, although his share there is less than 10%. Now just a little, he is blackmailing me with an apartment that he will sell the share to realtors cheaply, etc.
I don't want to live like this. My grandmother and grandfather were intelligent people, my mother was a nurse. We never had such swearing, no one beat me, they didn’t destroy anything in the apartment. I am ashamed to live like this, ashamed of myself. All the neighbors see it, he beat me twice so that I walked around with bruises on my face. And I work as a department head. I do not love him. And for a long time there is no sympathy, no good feelings, no warm relations. My behavior is like a vicious circle: he beats me, humiliates, insults me, and I take offense at him and neglect him, I say nasty things. But I can't support him when he's like. Not finding a new job, he quits and sits at home for half a year. As a result, I get him a new job (this happened twice already, and then I also support him at work, defend him, they complain to me about him and keep him just for my sake and find excuses for him). Or when he takes my car and in 20 minutes (yes, right in the yard) manages to scratch it badly. Yes, I do not respect him, I think he is a loser. He did not want to get a higher education (I persuaded him for 5 years, studied for a year for him), he does not want to grow up. Sits all day on the Internet and watches porn until the morning.
There is nothing positive in these relations. He blames me for everything. Despite the fact that he is not guilty of anything, as he says. He says that I do not appreciate him, find fault with everything, humiliate him. He is right. But maybe he needs another woman? He says that he will find himself one who will obey him in everything, without opening his mouth and do whatever he says. But he is not responsible for his actions. Crashed the car, so no problem - do it. No, he never has the money for it. He has golden hands, he made repairs in the apartment himself: from electricians to tiles. But he does everything very slowly, about five years per 44 square meters. m. And all with anguish, with swearing. I'm really tired. I'm scared. I dream of a family, of a husband whom I will meet from work in the evening and discuss with him every day I have lived, I want to be loved! Really want to! I do not believe that our relationship can get better. This is not my man. But as one lady told me, I can’t count on another husband with two children and my character. Only if some older man picks us up.

Again, this is my version of our relationship. And I talk about how I feel all this and what is happening to me.

Mar 14 2017

Irina, the lady's words that you will not find another husband "with such a character" - what is it about (what are your qualities)? Do you agree with her opinion?
You talk about wanting to be loved, but do you love yourself? Can you take care of yourself: retire when it's too noisy, not endure, but say, for example, in a cafe that you were served an unwashed plate or the ordered sauce was not brought, defend yourself in case of unfair criticism against you, and so on? Did you directly tell your husband about the need for his attention and kind attitude, tenderness, support?
The fact is that a married couple is a system, and according to the laws of the system, everything in it must be balanced. According to the roles you have unconsciously chosen, you are in a positive role (I call it the role of an Angel) - you help your husband get a job, endure his abuse and reproaches, work for two, bear the burden of everyday problems and raise children alone; and the husband has no choice but to take a negative position of the "Devil" - to lead a wild life, not to strain and not help around the house, not to take care of the children, to insult and beat you, to think that everything is as it should be.
This is due to the fact that you do not allow yourself to express your minus, that is, negative emotions, and constantly restrain yourself, endure to the last (a habit from teenage life with an aunt). You need to learn how to defend your personal boundaries (“You can’t do this with me!”), Immediately talk about emerging negative emotions in the “I-message” (when you talk not about what kind of husband is bad, but about what you yourself feel): "It hurts / unpleasant / hurt / scared / anxious when I see that / hear that ..." and then explain the reason for your feelings, in the last sentence inviting the interlocutor to find a way out ("Let's think - how can we solve this problem? "," Do you think we can overcome this? "). In addition, it is necessary to get rid of expectations regarding the husband: now he is as he is, and it is possible that it will not be possible to correct the situation, so do not waste time and effort on remaking him (education, etc.), but take care of yourself: try carve out more time for your interests, take a break from everyday worries (the dust will not go anywhere, but you will take a break), communicate with positive-minded people who support you. Gradually, the situation will begin to level off. But before you fully heal from traumatic childhood events and gain self-confidence, you need to take a course of meetings with a psychologist.

Mar 14 2017

IrinaIrina

I don't know what to say about my character. I used to consider myself a strong person, set goals and went to them. She graduated from college with honors, then the university also got all 5. She got a job in her specialty and after three years she became the head of a department at a large enterprise, she was always in the thick of things. I set a goal to give birth to children, it took three years, and I achieved this. And then at some point everything went wrong... Both at home and at work. What am I now - unsure of myself. The husband is the only man. There used to be fans, but nothing more. Now they also pay attention to me, but no one offers anything)
I am emotional, sociable, touchy. I can say no if on edge. I endure everything from the management, it seemed to me that the leader should notice my work himself. But no, this is not happening. I can defend myself against unfair criticism. And I will say that you are wrong. But with her husband, all conversations do not work. He literally shuts me up. Doesn't listen at all. I have a word, he gives me ten. I tried both on examples and in letters (if he doesn’t listen). But he is blind and deaf-mute. He only talks about his own and does not even want to hear me, that I feel that this is painful and insulting for me.
I don’t really understand how it’s left for the husband, how to take a negative position? How can I be? I experimented, tried to share duties on paper, left dishes in the sink for three days. So, nothing changes. At the same time, he agrees with me, but does nothing. Ridiculously, he found me vacancies, sent me to interviews for managerial positions with a good salary. I tell him that in such a job I will just live, and I want to be close to the children. And if I get a job like that, then all the housework should fall on your shoulders. He says: it's okay, you'll work for three months, save money and stir up your business. That is, he is not going to share responsibilities. As soon as I linger, or the children sat with him when they were sick for a couple of days, everything at home is upside down. Children run around naked, hungry, grubby. Well, what a job for big money ...
He is such a manipulator. I do not like these showdowns and constantly concede. If only he didn't scream.
And how to learn to defend your boundaries? Of course, it’s easier for me to do everything myself than to listen from him, to spend strength and nerves to move him. Then again, I’ll stay guilty and get it in the forehead for disturbing him.
I do not believe that you can talk to him, agree that he will hear me. Yes, I don't want that anymore. He's really inadequate. I think he also has childhood trauma.
And to be honest, I don't want to be with him. If you don’t open the door for him, he will kick it and shout that he will burn my car and pierce all the wheels. I just can't anymore. We wear each other down for no reason. He doesn't understand me, he doesn't listen, he annoys me in the end. He has some crazy ideas, which I should be the one to implement, because I will succeed, but he does not. And I have to help him.
I want to love myself, everything you say is correct. But now I feel that we need to part with him, after a while I need to come to my senses. And then think about the future, move on. But I really feel this need for recuperation. I'm just on the edge.
Thank you very much for being there and for responding to my letter.

Mar 15 2017

Irina, the behavior of her husband described by you is really strange and sometimes inadequate. You are right: with a probability of 99%, he also has deep childhood traumas, which is why you attracted each other (your need for care and approval, him for strength and security that came from you). Now, after the lapse of time, you have grown up, and your husband, on the contrary, has descended to a primitive level (is this a scenario from yours, or from his family?).
"I now feel that we need to part with him," - do you have the opportunity to live with children with one of your relatives or friends? With her husband there is no agreement at all in terms of divorce (he demands to leave everything as it is)?

Mar 15 2017

IrinaIrina

We left him anyway. Aunt allowed us to live in her apartment, separate housing. But less than a month later, my husband moved in again.
He is not against divorce, but he does nothing. Even when he fell in love with another woman, he did not file for divorce. I put him before the fact: either the family, or another woman. He chose her, made up a conversation with her, opened up in his feelings. But she said she couldn't love him back. I don't know about the real reasons for it.
And I don’t understand myself in this: when I realized that he really fell in love with her, I sobbed every day, I had tantrums, I just didn’t know what to do. The world literally collapsed. I tried to change in order to save what I have (although I don’t know why myself), I found this woman and talked to not. And now I think that she was my chance for him to leave.
At every quarrel, the husband screams about the divorce, and that he hates me. At the same time, he is afraid that he will quit everywhere and is not going to pay any alimony. He is only going to share property with me.
As for the script, this is apparently the development of the relationship between his parents, he is now trying to repeat the same in our family. It was just the way his mother acted. I know many relatives from his father's side, they are all normal, family and prosperous people. I saw his father only three times during his lifetime. But I can say that he also strove for well-being. At home, he always had a full table and cleanliness and comfort. What can I say about his mother. Although she lives alone, she doesn’t even have a cat, and you can only go home in boots, you feel some kind of superficial dirt, as if everything is somehow unwashed ... And she didn’t earn anything in her life. I have no respect for her because she raised such a son, I don’t even want her to communicate with my children. Yes, and she is not very eager.
You can talk about his inappropriate behavior every day. Whatever the day, then inadequate behavior.
I must break this connection for the sake of my future, for the sake of the health of my children.

Mar 16 2017

“And I don’t understand myself in this: when I realized that he really fell in love with her, I sobbed every day, I had tantrums, I just didn’t know what to do. The world around collapsed literally. I tried to change in order to save what is (although I don’t know why myself)”, - all this is about co-dependent relationships, Irina. Apparently, at that time you still had too much self-doubt and self-doubt (it’s really difficult to work and raise children at the same time), fear of a lonely future (“What will I do alone with two small children?”), An attitude to save marriage at any cost ( parental - from childhood). Now you have outgrown this pattern of behavior and are ready for decisive action.
“Less than a month later, my husband moved in with us again,” how did this happen, because he did not have the keys? Probably, you gave up the slack and allowed him to do this? Then the question is not in the husband's inappropriate behavior, but in your internal resistance to breaking up with him. “I must break this connection for the sake of my future, for the sake of the health of my children,” these words come out of my head, and with your heart (feelings) you are still so dependent on this person and your relationship with him that you cannot finally decide on a divorce.

Mar 16 2017

IrinaIrina

You are right about everything. I can't decide on a divorce. I can't even hear his voice on the phone, it's annoying. But at the same time, if he does not call for a long time, I can dial it myself. This is some nonsense. It's not mine, it infuriates me, irritates me. And at the same time, I sit and wait for a miracle that suddenly it will resolve itself, a fairy will come and everything will change. I understand that I have to do everything myself. He, too, cannot take and leave forever, take a decisive step. This is how we torture each other and our children. Probably, there really is no need for therapy. Otherwise, at such a pace, it will simply come to disaster.
No strength, no confidence, no determination. It's like that.

Mar 17 2017

Irina, it's good that you recognize all this. There is also a moment of mutual benefit in your relationship with your husband: against its background, you look like a hardworking, purposeful, successful woman, and you can justify any of your shortcomings or mistakes by the fact that such a person is nearby - lazy, downtrodden, not supportive. Probably, by telling others about it and becoming a Victim, you get the attention and sympathy you need, feeling important and fulfilled in many areas (in comparison with your husband). If so, then you have aggravated codependency, and it is really very difficult to cope here without therapy.
How are you now? What is happening now between you and your husband?

Mar 20 2017

IrinaIrina

Maria, good afternoon!
I noticed a long time ago that I chose the position of the victim. It seems that you are right that in this way I attract attention to myself, they feel sorry for me, oh poor thing, my husband is such a bastard. Ugh, I'm disgusted with myself. It is clear that he is a bastard, raise his hand to a woman and change, there can be no excuse for this. But again, everything is interconnected. I never loved him either. I always felt sorry for him. When we met, he was all in rags. He walked around in tattered socks, pants and sweatshirts. And I'm a fool, fed, dressed up. He tried to please me in everything then, to guess my desires. But now neither he wants to take care of me, nor my hand rises to take care of him. Although out of habit, seeing how shabby he is, I take him to the store ... I feel sorry for him. But he doesn't feel sorry for me.
About the fact that against the background of my husband I look more successful ... You opened my eyes to this, to be honest. Of course, it's just as easy. Look, what a worthless husband I have, and how wonderful I am) It is more difficult to set new goals for yourself and go towards them. Strive for new achievements and achievements. Learn new things. You open my eyes to things that really lie on the surface. Why can't I see it myself.
What are we doing now? Everyone lives their own life and joint at the same time. We constantly express dissatisfaction with each other. Both are tired.

Mar 21 2017

Irina, you have seen a lot in the mechanism of your relationship with your husband, and this is the first step on the road of change. My colleague Maya Hen has a short but important text about getting out of the role of a victim - read:
"Realize that you yourself are playing the role of the victim.

The key word is myself.

It's hard to admit.

The role was imposed in childhood at an unconscious level by parents, school and other well-wishers. This role was approved and encouraged by significant figures and the child felt very good and happy playing it.

Often the victim does not know that he is a victim. She feels her great mission, she is proud of herself, she feels valuable and significant, very good. The victim believes that he is doing good to others. The first realization comes when she realizes that she is not appreciated. For some reason, others do not appreciate the good that she wants to do them and even shy away from it. They are bad, but I am good, the victim decides. Bad because they are not appreciated. The victim believes that others will someday understand its value and be grateful. For the sake of this, she is ready, with renewed vigor and with all diligence, to sacrifice herself even more. Soon she realizes that she is not only not appreciated, but moreover, she is required to do good in full and with even better quality. And the demands are growing day by day, expressed in a rude and disrespectful way. It's good if there comes an insight that something here does not grow together. In this case, the victim can pay attention to himself: what is he doing that over and over again finds himself in the position of the victim. How much does she contribute to it?

Recognize the harm of being a victim for yourself and your loved ones.

The key word is for yourself.

The victim offers himself and is happy when he is used, because someone needs him! Delight and Hurray! Her value is enhanced when someone depends on her services, and especially when they cannot do without her at all. The child of the victim often becomes unconsciously powerless or sick to please her. Husband / wife starts drinking, quits work. As a result, the children hate her / him, the husband / wife scolds and beats.

Leave the game: rescuer, rapist, victim.

It is very difficult to get out of the vicious circle of a rescuer, a criminal, a victim. Drastic measures are required. The victim cannot get out, because he sincerely believes that the others will die without him. She does not understand that it is urgent to save herself. The others hold her tight so the game doesn't end, because the unknown is scary. They don't know how to live differently. Usually the victim comes to a psychologist when she has reached depression or suicide, when the children are drug addicts, drink, do not work.

Let go of the criminal.

It is necessary to release the criminal in two ways: external and internal. Letting go of the external criminal means accepting all the violence that happened as inevitable under the conditions that previously existed, to move away from the external criminal, to leave his sphere of influence so that violence against you will not happen again, to demand compensation for the damage caused, if possible.

To let go of the inner criminal inside oneself means to give up the desire for revenge, to see one’s own inner executioner, who has mentally tortured the criminal many times in his imagination, to turn attention to himself, to decide how to help himself make his life more prosperous.

Refuse to "rescue" other adults.

Caring is wonderful when it does not interfere with the development of those who are cared for. You don't have to try to change the other. Change yourself. Change your life so that you become an example of a better life, to become happy. Even the Lord God does not decide the fate of people, but gives them the opportunity to choose and make mistakes.

Find a new purpose in life.

Re-prioritise."

Mar 27 2017

IrinaIrina

Surprisingly, every word is on point... It never even crossed my mind. Now, analyzing and remembering my childhood, I understand that I needed my mother's love. And she was always busy with work, her own affairs, her personal life. And I tried my best, tried to be obedient and good, as if to say: well, pay attention to me, I'm so good, so well done. The same goes for college, the same with my current husband. And all I wanted was love, support, attention.
Over the past week, my husband and I have established an even relationship. He fulfills my requests, I react more calmly to many things. But it is precisely this behavior that makes me very suspicious. Yep, I'm thinking of something wrong. I begin to suspect, I begin to wind myself up, why he behaves so calmly, probably, he is building relationships with his beloved again. And I found his February correspondence, where he writes to her how much he misses her, how he wants to see that she is his drug - her lips, eyes, figure, character, soul ... And I don’t know why I’m climbing, why something seek out. I can't calm down at all. It's a shame to tears that he is so madly in love with another, and not me. And yet I really need it.
Well, how to get out of my head that he is not mine now, for a long time already, that he has love for another. She periodically answers something to him, did not immediately send him to hell, but keeps him at a distance. And if it wasn’t for me and the kids, they would have had a relationship a long time ago.
And I go crazy with these thoughts. Well, what should I do?

Irina, I am glad to hear about a more even relationship, but it is disturbing to hear about suspicions in connection with this. What is the worst thing that can happen in such a state?
In the words "if not for me and the children" you feel your strength (that is, despite the difficulties in the relationship, you can control the life of your husband) - do you yourself feel this power over him?
You should move away from reading correspondence, because apart from negative emotions (resentment, anger, undermined self-esteem) and a feeling of your own uselessness and worthlessness (in comparison with another), this does not bring. Try to follow the recommendations above: switch to your own needs and things that make you happy: for example, you talk about the need for love, but do you love yourself? Self-love begins with acceptance - how much do you accept yourself (both your positive and negative qualities, emotions)? A good text about acceptance from my colleague - http://psiholog-galina.ru/psichologiya-zhenschini/kak-prinyat-sebya-takoy-kakaya-est
Then you should think - why do you need these relationships (taking into account the fact that we have discovered the mechanism of their action in your pair)?

IrinaIrina

Maria! I literally go crazy. I didn’t want to write to you, because I already tortured you with my whining. But I can’t, I don’t have anyone to talk to ... I’m furious because of the woman who appeared in my husband’s life. More than a year ago, he went to work, there in his team there is a woman who is 6 years older than him, she is 40. He fell in love with her without memory. I wrote about it. And now more than a year has passed, and he still communicates with her. She hides it, starts new sim cards, erases messages, etc. When I talked to her, she said that she has a man with whom she has been in a relationship for 4 years, he is 10 years older than her and she does not want to sacrifice this relationship for my husband. But still, when I asked her to just send it, rudely, she didn't. And when he writes to her, she answers him. It is clear that she is pleased that someone is going crazy over her, her husband just blew the roof off her. And I don't understand what's the matter. She is completely ordinary, such a "humble teacher", it would be understandable if it was a sex bomb. And then ... As a result, he writes to her about his incredible feelings and emotions, she receives all this and answers something neutral. Neither no nor yes. And she doesn't care that we have fights because of her. After all, he tells her how bad everything is at home, that he will divorce me anyway and will do everything for her, he is ready for anything. I saw these letters of his, she herself showed them. Last summer, right after work, I stood and waited for her when she went home. We work at the same company. When I saw her, I was already thrown into a rage from one look, simply from the fact that she had passed by. And she tells me that my husband is not her type, that he is small for her, and that she accidentally gave him her phone, but at the same time she listens to his declarations of love, not even love, but adoration !! ! And languidly lowers his eyes. Once I overheard them talking when he forgot to hang up. I came to their department, and my husband said that he was glad that I heard everything. And she stood in the corner, her eyes downcast.
I don’t want to live with him, but the thought that he will go to her just breaks me. When I had a situation, I immediately told the young man that enough was enough, I didn’t need it. She was rude but honest. And he backed off. And she didn't hurt him. And then ... She knows that he is crazy about her, she knows that I am very worried and roaring, she knows that we have quarrels because of her and children also suffer. But she doesn't care. She receives his SMS, sends greeting cards for the holiday, keeps in touch ... Now her husband has been on sick leave for 4 months. But soon he will go to work, and for 8 hours they will be together every day. And again he will begin to run after her, wait around every corner, say his tenderness and so on. And I literally climb the walls from this. And switch to something, as you advised, I can not. I already go to fitness 3-4 times a week. It's an obsession. These are my co-dependent relationships.

Time inexorably flies forward - this is a well-known truth that cannot be denied and cannot be denied. And at one “wonderful” moment, a reduction in the number of fans, or even their absence, becomes noticeable.

You begin to remember how in the past, boyfriends lined up to once again dance a slow dance with you, showered you with flowers not only on your birthday and March 8, but just like that, for no reason. They offered a ride home to work. And now the situation has changed dramatically, flowers only for a birthday, and then from colleagues or relatives. You come to clubs with your girlfriends and leave the same way with them, and if you come to get acquainted, then these are either men far from middle-aged, or completely young. The situation is the same on dating sites. And so you want a man to be smart, to have something to talk about, and sometimes just keep quiet. Yes, and age, of course, preferably yours and equal in status.

You probably survived the blow of betrayal, after which there was neither desire nor strength to start a new relationship. But as they say, “time heals”, and the spiritual wound is no longer so strong, but the habit of being alone remains. Do not let anyone close to you, this is already taken for granted.

Perhaps there were no crowds of fans before, and you always avoided noisy parties and parties, erected an impregnable wall around you. And now what to do to destroy this wall? And you no longer want a crowd of fans, but one, the very one who will take care of you.

And sometimes it happens like that - at one fine moment you decide that it's time to start a new relationship. Relationship with the prospect of marriage and the upbringing of common children. But the image of the ideal man, whom you want to see next to me, has already formed. But where can you find one?

Usually a woman begins to get acquainted on sites, while categorically brushing aside frivolous relationships. Turns to friends for help, asks them to act as a matchmaker. And so on in a circle, without achieving a result.
After all, she is no longer eighteen years old, and there is no time for this useless flirting. It is necessary that the only one who will become a husband is immediately found, because it is time to become a mother, and I am not a model. Very often you can hear such words from women: “I do not want to waste my precious time on useless communications that will not lead to anything serious. They take even more time and energy.”

In the search for a partner, as well as when shooting from a gun at a target, all additional factors must be taken into account. And additional factors are our grievances, fears, experiences, all the past that we carry with us like a suitcase without a handle. And this burden prevents you from seeing a man for who he is, without putting "labels" on him. After all, when he does not justify your high hopes, in a fit of disappointment you call him a "liar" and a "deceiver."

Therefore, the first task is not to find a man who will become an ideal husband, but to decide on new acquaintances and let it be an easy flirtation. There is a very interesting task. Meet ten men to create friendships, while treating everyone equally. Don't get too close. To create, as it were, a fairy tale in which there are fans who look after you while you are waiting for your prince.

You have decided that it is time to let a man into your life, start with nothing significant acquaintances. On the Internet, you can often see men who are looking for a relationship for one night, this is definitely not your option. There are those who write in the questionnaire that they need a woman to create a family, this is also not for you yet. For starters, just light flirting, smiles, meaningless conversations.

Often women begin to take revenge. To avenge those tears that her ex-man brought her. And this revenge is poured out not on the culprit, but on an accidental victim. Just got caught in a hot hand. After a date with a man, you shouldn’t post on the Internet how bad he is, “I didn’t buy flowers, didn’t take me to a cafe, and in general he’s a goat.” There will be many sympathizers, but what's the point. But at the same time, you will believe even more that "all men are their own ...".

You should not reject from the first meeting someone who did not live up to your expectations from the first minute. You need to take into account the little things and just be grateful that the person showed interest and came on a date, despite the distance and time. Perhaps this person in the future will help you open up and will be the one and only who pulled you out of the cocoon of loneliness. And perhaps he will prepare you for a meeting with your prince. Be more supportive, even if you don't see that person again.

Getting help from the "other side" using the Silva method. Silva Jose

How to break the vicious circle.

How to break the vicious circle.

If you relax deeply and imagine realistically...

If you are confident in the Silva Method and know that you are programming successfully...

If by solving your own problems you help other people solve theirs...

If you do not hide ill will, hatred or hostility in your bosom and forgive everyone in your past and present life ...

If you are aware of the existence of your Higher Self, however dimly, and the existence of a Higher Intelligence...

Then you can overcome all the problems of the physical world. For you, there is no unsolvable problem or unattainable goal. Many incurable diseases lend themselves to "miracles". Many deadly enemies become your closest friends. Many outwardly unattainable peaks are conquered in an unexpected way. The problem is forced to retreat, defeated by the intellect, power and love of that side.

What technique is available to you to solve difficult problems? Here's a quick overview:

When in a situation that requires heightened awareness, use the three-finger technique. Program ahead of time: "When I put these three fingers together and contemplate (insert problem), my mind works at a deeper level of consciousness for (insert positive result)."

In difficult situations that are difficult to imagine, use the glass of water technique.

When you don't know what technique to use, or don't know what the solution might be, use the dream control technique.

When solving relationship problems between people, use subjective communication.

In any emergency, use the alpha level (unformulated technique) by suggesting positive affirmations to yourself.

Each of these techniques can be performed in critical circumstances in "top gear". Let's go through the list again, pointing out how we can speed up returns in emergencies or urgent situations.

"Three Finger Technique" When you pre-program for an event, do it at the best time. If you remember, we explained how to determine this time: In the evening before going to bed, enter the alpha level and mentally say to yourself: "I will wake up this night at the best time for self-programming." Fall asleep from the alpha level. You will wake up at the right time. Return to the alpha level and program the three finger technique. Another way to increase the instantaneous effectiveness of the Three Finger Technique is through breathing. If you are faced with a critical situation and decide to use this technique to raise your awareness to the level of superconsciousness, by placing three fingers together, take a deep breath and hold your breath for a few seconds. Holding your breath turns on the survival response and you begin to work at a higher level of consciousness.

"Glass of Water Technique". Put a few drops of lemon juice into the water and hold the glass with the index fingers of both hands. Having connected the fingers of both hands, close your eyes and raise them slightly up, after which, mentally saying: "This is all I need to solve the problem that torments me," drink half a glass. In the morning, finish programming by repeating the same manipulations.

"Dream Management" This technique will not be fully effective if you do not remember all your dreams. Even if you do this, you may want to go through programming to remember one dream first and then all dreams (see Evenings 11 and 16). When you wake up, write down more details from your dreams. And later, when you explore your dreams, one little detail may be the golden key you are looking for.

"Subjective connection". When you are dealing with serious human relationship issues, you need to be close to the other side. Subjective communication at the alpha level is good; but subjective communication at the lab level is even better. You are closer to that side.

"Programming at the alpha level". To solve problems, you can use direct programming at the alpha level. If you are programming at the alpha level without using any formula technique, you should know how to enhance your programming. Here is some of them:

A serious problem deserves a deeper alpha level. You know how to deepen a level with a countdown. You can also do this by transporting yourself to your favorite place of relaxation, which is now also a familiar procedure.

Another way to deepen the level is progressive relaxation. You remember how you did it in the early days of practice - moving from head to toes and relaxing every part of the body. Of course, after these exercises, you can go even deeper, going to the laboratory level if you feel like it.

Once in the deep alpha level, use three images.

First identify the problem by drawing a picture directly in front of you. Then let it change for the better in the second picture, which should be shifted a little to the left (into the future). Finally see the goal achieved or the solution found in the third picture, shifted further to the left. When creating a second image, it is useful to apply triggers ("with each step forward" or "with each sip of water").

Images are usually sufficient; they express the work of creative energy, they are the "language" of that side. Words can also be powerful weapons if you use persuasive arguments. As we all know, it takes perseverance to overcome difficulties.

When we work to solve problems, our statements must be firm. As John Bunian said, "he who is at the bottom is not afraid to fall." There is no need to be moderate or beat around the bush when you need help from the other side in serious matters. I will give some examples of possible statements.

"I expect and predetermine results. I believe in sustainable progress, whether I see it or not. My expectations and faith are optimistic."

"I have a burning desire to achieve my goal (solve my problem). I move forward with energy and zeal. My genius, my enthusiasm and my good will will win the support of others."

"Every day I get stronger and more courageous. I see things for what they are. I am optimistic about achieving a goal (solving a problem). I work with energy, purpose and creativity."

From the book The Ability to Love author Fromm Allan

Breaking the Neurotic Chain First of all, you should use your free time in a more calculated pursuit of entertainment and joy. We've talked about this before, but it's worth repeating. We all have a tendency to become a sedentary physical mass towards the end of the working day.

From the book How to find the key to solving any situation author Bolshakova Larisa

24. How to break the vicious circle of the conflict that has arisen, when everyone thinks that he is right? An Indian proverb says: to understand a person, you need to walk a mile in his moccasins. It is unlikely that anyone will object that understanding another person is useful and necessary. First of all,

by Watts Duncan

Vicious circle or circular reasoning Not everyone is able to appreciate this type of reasoning. When one day at some event I explained the situation with the Mona Lisa to a professor of English literature, she cried out: “You are implying that Shakespeare is

From the book Common Sense Lies [Why You Shouldn't Listen to Your Inner Voice] by Watts Duncan

And again - a vicious circle Before you rush to get rid of shares of Kim Kardashian, I must emphasize: we did not conduct this experiment in reality - only imagined. Although we studied data from the real world and not a computer simulation, our statistical

From the book Love and Treason author Kurpatov Andrey Vladimirovich

HOW TO DISCONNECT? I have been dating a man for 5 years now, the feelings are mutual, but he has a common-law wife and son. I want to break up with him, but there is not enough willpower. Please tell me how to decide. Svetlana Petrova, Cheboksary First of all, you must decide, and then ask for advice -

From the book Anti-Zeland or For free and sweet vinegar author Preobrazhensky Nikolai Nikolaevich

A vicious vicious circle After the turn of events from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat ... Murphy's Laws: Advanced Murphology The great variety of diets offered to the gullible consumer, however, has one thing in common. The vast majority of followers of the idea

From the book How to get dry from the water. The art of getting out of the most awkward life situations by Gregg Cavet

2. You want to break off an office romance Breaking off an affair with a colleague without causing irreparable harm to your self-esteem or career is an even trickier task than continuing it. Discard in advance all thoughts of a civilized, purely professional

From the book 7 myths about love. Journey from the land of the mind to the land of your soul by George Mike

From the book The Path of Least Resistance by Fritz Robert

A vicious circle If you gravitate towards a "collaborative" orientation, then the path of least resistance for you is to switch into the opposite mode and rebel. But after that, the path of least resistance will quickly lead you back from fighting to submission.

From the book Conflict: participate or create ... author Kozlov Vladimir

Case 5.3.4 Vicious circle of control Case description A team of three highly skilled grinders work in the precision optics shop. At their request, they were given a separate room with the best equipment. They carry out the most expensive and responsible

From the book Unconscious Branding. Using the latest achievements of neuroscience in marketing author Praet Douglas Wang

From the book Anatomy of Fear [Treatise on Courage] author Marina José Antonio

4. Avoidance Behavior and the Vicious Cycle of Anxiety Fear sets in motion mechanisms to avoid danger. The same can be said about anxiety. Only in this case we are talking about mental avoidance. A person thinks a lot, but does nothing, and therefore activation

From the book Deadly Emotions author Colbert Don

From the book Conscious Meditation. A practical guide to relieving pain and stress by Penman Denny

author O'Connor Richard

The Vicious Circle of Stress The stress of the 21st century harms both our bodies and our minds, and modern culture not only offers no solutions, but also adds problems. We can give long hours to unloved work, but the labor market is such that it is scary to change a place.

From the book The Psychology of Bad Habits author O'Connor Richard

Breaking the Vicious Cycle By definition, burnout is a vicious cycle: a process that creates conditions that support and reinforce it. Non-stop stress takes over our body and we try to live with too much adrenaline. So damaged

If luck suddenly left, things are not going well, personal life fails - it's time to change something. You can bring well-being into life by proven magical methods.

Everything happens in life. It happens that the black streak suddenly ends and luck literally follows on its heels. And it also happens that failures haunt a person, not allowing him to achieve his goals. In case bad luck is systematic, it's time to use magic.

Signs of bad luck and its causes

Trouble may await at home. Usually a series of failures begins with the deterioration of essential products. If you notice that your bread is not stored, it quickly becomes moldy, then this is often one of the signs of problems.

Also, the words of your household can become an indicator of the black bar. They suddenly begin to complain about life, talk about their constant failures and defeats, get hung up on characteristic sayings.

Communication with losers can negatively affect a person, so if a “whiner” appears in your life, reduce communication with him to a minimum.

Negative reasons for bad luck can be as follows:

• boasting, a desire to show off and, as a result, self-evil eye;
• mood for failure, negative thinking, depressive thoughts, unwillingness to overcome obstacles on the path of life;
• damage, evil eye, curse, settlers and entities.

Ritual to get rid of bad luck

The simplest and most effective way is a conspiracy for good luck. Our ancestors used it, so there is no doubt about its strength. However, in addition to the conspiracy itself, you should take measures to clear your mind of negative attitudes. Tune in to positive thoughts, repeat encouraging words to yourself, start every morning with your favorite song, drink, food.

For the ceremony, you do not need special preparation. It is important to believe in what you say and repeat the plot three times a day for nine days:

“A man was going to the mill in a cart. Trouble-sadness-maeta fell from him, but stuck to me. I'll tear it off myself, I'll take it to the mill. There, her millstones will be ground, ground, remade. Trouble will come out, not trouble, but flour, good luck is full. I will powder myself with flour from head to toe, I will attract happiness and luck in life.

After the plot is spoken for the last time, take a handful of flour, throw it up and stand under this cloud.

The magic of the forces of nature: we remove bad luck from life

For the ritual you will need:

• Earth;
• water;
• candle;
• spacious white shirt made of natural fabric;
• pot for plants;
• seeds or bulb of a flower (for example, a tulip).

In the evening (it will be especially successful), let your hair down, put on a shirt and stay barefoot. Arrange containers with earth and water, a lit candle and a plant pot on the four cardinal points. Stand in the center of the circle and say a magical plot, bowing to each item:

“I step on Mother Earth with bare feet, I absorb strength; I wash my face with icy water, I wash off trouble, dashingly; from the clear sun I bask, I recover; I breathe clean air, I breathe out pain and sorrow. I will take a cleansing fire, I will burn the pot so that there are no diseases. I will fill in the fertile land that life gives. I will plant a child of Mother Earth and water with a key field that nourishes life. A marvelous flower will grow, take away my sorrows and hardships, and save my life from bad luck. It will let it pass through the roots, but it will bury the earth in the cheese.

After the ritual, put the pot in a secluded place and wait for the sprout to hatch. Tell him about your sorrows, but do not forget to mention your luck. This is your personal talisman that attracts good luck.

Slavic conspiracy from bad luck

On a Saturday night, go to the bathroom. Turn on cold water and stand under it with the words: "Church me!". This action should not take you long. Then turn on the water warmer, stand under the jets and say: "Chur me, down with me!". Add hot water again, stand under it and say: "Keep away from me, get out of here!". Do the same with even hotter water, say: "Keep away from me, get out of here! Get out of my life with water!”. After that, without drying yourself, leave the bathroom, go to the mirror and throw an old rag under your feet. Stand on it and say:

“As water flows down from me, drips, so adversity leaves me. I admire myself in the reflection, I pronounce magic words. May there be happiness in my life and good luck. I leave all the empty slanders behind me, I open a new life.

Once dry, put the rag in a bag and throw it away from home at night, but rather bury it under an old rotten stump.

You can attract good luck in other ways. You just need to make an effort on yourself and believe that achieving happiness is real. Stop blaming yourself and others for your failures, learn from your mistakes and help other people in trouble. The universe always favors the kind and generous. She will definitely answer your call. We wish you all the best and don't forget to press the buttons and